How to Raise a Proper Patriot: A Guide for Faithful Families

Authors Note:

Although this piece is satire, the policies and rhetoric coming from the current administration make its vision disturbingly plausible. From banning books and defunding universities to pressuring schools over political dissent and reshaping civics education around loyalty, we are not far from turning indoctrination into official curriculum. The absurdity may be fictional, but the direction is real.

I watched my youngest daughter graduate from the American Academy this spring, her tassel swaying proudly over a bright red “MAGA” mortarboard. As she waved to the crowd, diploma in one hand, Constitution in the other, I thought back to her childhood. Specifically, the night we read The Plot Against the King by Kash Patel as a bedtime story. She was only six, but the way her eyes lit up when the Deep State was defeated by a noble monarch? That’s when I knew: she was ready.

Raising a loyal American isn’t easy these days. The threats are everywhere: public libraries, nuance, independent thought. But after years of trial and error, I’ve learned a thing or two. Below is my step-by-step guide for raising your child to be not just patriotic, but patriotically correct.

Step 1: Start Indoctrination Early — Ideally Before the Umbilical Cord Is Cut

Your child’s first word should not be “mama” or “dada.” It should be “freedom” or “Jesus,” whichever aligns better with your district’s new civics standards.

In our house, we began each morning by standing before portraits of George Washington, Ronald Reagan, and Donald Trump, reciting the Revised Pledge of Allegiance. It goes just like the original, except with one small but meaningful edit:

“…one nation, under God indivisible, with liberty, and justice for Americans.”

We follow it with a prayer thanking the Lord for low taxes, strong borders, and charter schools, just as the Religious Liberty Commission recommends in its “Faithful Civics” curriculum. It’s important that children understand that America isn’t just a country — it’s a divine assignment. That’s what real civics is about.

To the untrained eye this mirrors forced indoctrination in authoritarian countries. What they don’t understand is that this isn’t forced — it’s faithful. Our children want to praise their country. And if they don’t? Well, that’s what Executive Order 14190, “Ending Radical Indoctrination in K–12 Schooling,” was for. After all, schools can’t qualify for federal funding without demonstrating the appropriate level of national affection.

Step 2: Choose the Right Books — or Better Yet, Burn the Wrong Ones

Literature is powerful, and that’s exactly why it’s dangerous.

We used to have shelves full of “award-winning” books like The Diary of Anne Frank and Beloved, but those just teach guilt and sadness. Now, we stick with approved titles like The Plot Against the King, The Federalist Papers for Toddlers, and The Constitution: Annotated for Children (Without the Amendments That Complicate Things).

When my daughter asked why her school library no longer carried Holocaust memoirs, I sat her down for one of those tender father-daughter talks. I explained that those stories are from a different time, and teaching that kind of trauma only makes us feel ashamed. Americans should feel proud, not guilty. Besides, I reminded her, antisemitism and racism were basically solved decades ago.

A few left-leaning parents complain that it’s hypocritical to ban books about oppression while preserving political manifestos like Mein Kampf for historical context. But let’s be clear: the goal isn’t censorship. It’s clarity. There’s no reason to dwell on America’s flaws when we can teach kids how we already overcame them, and how exceptional we are now.

Step 3: Teach Them Not to Question — It’s Just Easier for Everyone

Curiosity is a slippery slope. One minute your kid is asking why slavery happened, and the next they’re asking about systemic issues.

That’s why we enforce the “America First Rule” in our home: no questions unless they’re in the official civics workbook. It’s not suppression, it’s structure.

Thankfully, under the revived 1776 Commission, our children are now tested on real facts, such as:

• America was founded on freedom.

• Racism ended in 1964.

• History is binary: good vs. evil, U.S. vs. them.

• There was overwhelming evidence that Trump won the 2020 election, so much that even the courts decided not to look.

• And in his first 100 days, Trump prevented 20 million. Sorry, 119 million. Actually, make that 258 million fentanyl deaths.

And thanks to Secretary Linda McMahon’s leadership at the Department of Education, we’ve even integrated patriotic learning tools powered by “A1 Sauce” — or whatever it’s called. Anyway, it’s working. Our children can now memorize every constitutional clause except the ones involving equal protection.

Desperate critics claim we resemble the education systems of countries like China or North Korea, where dissent is discouraged and ideology is mandatory. But those are communist. Ours is different. We’re simply celebrating America.

In America, we don’t silence critical thinking. We just redirect it toward more productive questions. Like: How can we keep jobs in America?

Step 4: Choose the Right College — Loyalty Over Learning

Choosing a college has become a bit of a minefield. Some institutions still allow students to protest without approval or even have entire departments devoted to asking questions. Thankfully, my youngest daughter enrolled at the American Academy, a free online university funded by taxing the endowments of liberal colleges and one of the few universities brave enough to ban international students altogether.

I mean, really, how can you be sure you’re not letting in a communist? Even after all the visa delays, loyalty interviews, and mandatory social media screenings, it’s just not worth the risk.

I’d never want to attend one of those so-called “elite” schools anyway. Can you believe they still welcome foreigners, even after losing:

• Billions in international tuition revenue

• Chunks of their endowments, thanks to the Big Beautiful Bill’s endowment tax

• And significant research funding, after refusing to install loyalty surveillance, cancel DEI, or issue formal statements condemning their students

Makes you wonder if they ever cared about American students in the first place. Besides, they push critical thinking in the wrong direction. My daughters already know how to ask the right kinds of questions.

I heard someone say U.S. research has gone stagnant. What a joke. We cut the funding, cleared out the international students, and prevented liberals from meddling with science by removing the NIH integrity policy. If anything, we are more efficient than ever.

Step 5: Fewer Students — Stronger Values

Not every child is meant for college, and thanks to the Big Beautiful Bill, fewer of them will be burdened by it. With new commonsense reforms like raising Pell Grant requirements (because 15 credit hours builds character), ending hardship deferments (no more handouts!), and capping graduate borrowing (to prevent unnecessary overeducation), we have finally restored financial accountability to academia.

Yes, fewer students are enrolling, but isn’t that a sign we are doing something right? We have filtered out the unserious, the unmotivated, and the ideologically vulnerable. If you can’t afford college now, it’s probably because you don’t have the drive to make the budget work, or you just weren’t meant to go. My eldest daughter didn’t need a handout. I wrote a check, just like my father did for me, and got on with it. That’s how it should be.

Besides, President Trump said it best: college funding was being wasted at liberal colleges. That’s why he redirected grants to vocational education and built the greatest trade school system in the world! Finally, we’re treating welding and plumbing like the gold mines they are.

Besides, the smartest students are still enrolling in colleges, and they are enrolling in places where you don’t need student loan forgiveness, because tuition is patriotic and debt is earned.

Bonus Tip: Remember — Silence Is Not Enough. Praise Is Important.

Patriotism isn’t just about what you believe. It’s about saying it out loud, often, and with enough conviction to earn school credit.

Some say this level of reinforcement is extreme. I say it’s just parenting.

Looking back, I’m proud of what I’ve done. Sure, she still flinches when someone says “DEI,” but she can name all 50 states and their major oil reserves. She believes America is great, not just as it is, but EXACTLY as it is. And if something ever seems wrong? That’s usually just the left-wing lunatics trying to stir things up.

In the end, isn’t that what education’s all about?